Full Circle

Lillian Rand

— A year ago at his time, I  was living in a beautiful Tudor home in the suburbs that I had lived in for 55 years.  I never imagined being anywhere else. Since I was enjoying excellent health, that was how I imagined my future. It was my beloved friend, my solace, my buttress against this crazy world. Each morning, we began the day together surrounded in all directions by light and beauty.

Then, I had a heart attack in January. Luckily, it was a mild one and, I was told, the best kind to have.

But that singular event worked itself into my psyche, and even though a big part of my identity was connected to the house and the life style I enjoyed there, it dawned on me that I had to make a major shift in my thinking and consider leaving my home, (the only stable thing in my outer life for the majority of my life).

Had I known how hard and stressful that would be, I’m not sure I would have gone through the trauma of separating from the familiar to unknown territory. My family and I were refugees fleeing to this country in 1941 to escape the Nazis in Europe, and somehow I felt this change was as gargantuan as that. (Of course, I see now how wrong that was.)

So where should I live? Europe? Here? Anywhere? Grand schemes?? Silly, outlandish schemes? Utter chaos and confusion ensued and that was one of the worst parts of my transition,

Would I downsize and take an apartment in new Rochelle? Play it safe in Riverdale where I could get more space for less money and be closer to Manhattan where I grew up?

With two children and 3 grandchildren living in the city, the city seemed to make most sense. And, finally, I pared it down to the upper west side. And guess where I found my dream apartment!? Exactly where I grew up!! On the same street!

It is now 4 months since I have moved from that big Tudor house in New Rochelle to a one bedroom apartment with 10 ft ceilings in a prewar building on Riverside Drive.

Most coincidentally, I live literally one block from where I first lived at the age of 4, and 13 blocks from Barnard where I went to college. 

I have literally come full circle.

And this is the verdict – I am completely happy.

Stepping outside my apartment, a sea of diverse and colorful people engulf me, beginning with the doormen, the neighbors, the vendors, the fellow comrades bustling about but pausing here and there for a smile or a hello. Before, I felt APART from others and I actually coveted that position; but now, I am A PART of the many others and have a new sense of belonging!

And to boot, it was instantaneous. There is no sense of downsizing; quite the reverse. My world has expanded. Did I need time to adjust? No. Any Regrets and misgivings? – none (at least so far). I can now walk to an Ethopian , Indian or Korean restaurant, specialty food shops, a jazz club. I can take a subway or a bus or an uber. (I just sold my car. (EEK)

Horrible as it was to make this change, deep down I knew that I would shrivel by staying where I was as I got older. (I’ll soon be 87).  Now. my sense is that I am in a place  where I can continues to grow.

The holiday season has enhanced that feeling. With Christmas  coming, the city has brightened even more. Xmas trees are preened for selling, others are propped up or leaning together on almost every block. There are bright lights everywhere, apartment awnings bedecked with decorations. Sometimes, a live band is playing right on the sidewalk.

As for celebrations at this time of year, I do Hanukkah. For the first time, I invited my family as a big group to my new and lovely abode. We lit the Hanukkah candles, said the prayers, sang the familiar songs that we have always sung.  And, as always we exchanged gifts, and ate latkes with apple sauce.

I was, I am, at home.